Jesus, Man of Not Compassion

Like every good Chinaman to survive abortion, I believe in social equality. "Social-ism", it is now called, or "Equality of Outcome". This philosophy embodies compassion for one's fellow man. Let me tell you a story about a man I once met who claimed to be compassionate, but who was maybe a little confused.

Some time around the year of the monkey, during the 34th cycle (or 30 A.D. according to the Roman calendar), I was working with a crew of Chinamen for a port-a-potty company near Jerusalem. We had contracted with a local union to set up about 750 "little johns", which is what we called 'em, about a week before a man was to give a sermon on a grassy knoll called "The Mountie", so called because it resembled a prostrate Royal Canadian Police Officer.

I had heard that this man was a socal-ist, like myself, and since our contract stipulated that 5 men be hired to supervise each little john, I had time to listen to much of the sermon on The Mountie.

The man was called Jesus, and I could tell right away that this man was no social-ist. In fact, he taught such extreme right-wing dogma (such as personal responsibility and suffering the consequences of one's actions), that they eventually shut him down. I had the opportunity to talk to him about one of his radical ideas, and I will share that story with you now.

Jesus saideth: "The kingdom of heaven is as a man traveling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods. And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability;" Right away I began to question this guy. Who did he think he was, giving out unequal parts? It came across as a bit arrogant to me, but I wanted to see where he would go with this.

He continuedeth: "Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents. And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two. But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money." Aha, said I, he will teach us about the evils of usury, and he will discuss placing a salary cap on the first man, who was probably a CEO of some kind. This man did nothing to earn his talent, and he probably exploited others to see his increase.

Jesus kepteth going: "After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them. And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more. His lord said unto him, 'Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.'" Now I knew the truth about Jesus. He was an evil capital-ist, sewing seeds of class envy. He reiterated his point with the second man. "He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them. His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord."

But then he got crazy. The poor third man, who, through no fault of his own, was a lazy piece of crap, got royally shafted. "Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I...hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant...Thou oughtest...to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents. For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

This was more than I could bear. I had to walk away. I went back to my little john and sat, contemplating the injustices of this world and the callous way that this arrogant man discounted the perfectly valid excuses of the third servant. After the crowd had been dispersed and all the extra food had been gathered, I approached Jesus as he was boarding his fishing troller and told him he was wrong. Even if the third man was to have his talent taken away, wasn't it only fair to give it to the two-talent man rather than the five-talent man? This was the kind of corporate favoritism that would plague our world for centuries to come. This was the rich getting richer while the poor got poorer. And you know what Jesus said back to me? Nothing! He just smiled at me as though he actually cared about me, and sailed away. Him and his cronies were probably over-fishing anyway.