Change

I am very old, but even I must adapt to change. So I, too, got a gmail account and sent the following emails:



Dear Mrs. B.,

First of all, I want to thank you for the many happy years I have spent in your home, and I mean that with all my yellow heart. You have really made me feel like a part of your family, and since my own family died many thousands of years ago, it was important for me to feel loved. With that being said, however, I would like to request that you help me move. I feel like I am entering a new phase in my life. I am beginning a new dynasty, to coin an old Chinese phrase. I yearn for a little more excitement than can be provided in the home of empty nesters. I have procured lodging in Pennsylvania, and would kindly request that you mail me to my new residence at

123 Fake St
Frazer, PA

Please do not feel that I am leaving you. I just need change.

Kind regards,
Flying Chinaman





Dear Mr. W.,

This is a bittersweet time for me. Bitter because I am about to leave a place that I love. (Sure, I've been living in a basket in the bottom of a dark closet for two years, but hey, things could have been worse -- a lot worse.) And sweet because you have offered me a new life where I can enjoy babies, toys, videos, German pancakes, and the wonderful freezing rain of a Pennsylvania winter. I hope one day to even see Lawn Mower Park and feed those extremely scarey fish.

Please allow me a few days to pack my things and say my good byes. I have very little to bring with me -- just a change of underwear and my teddy bear. I humbly desire that you will provide absolutely everything else that I could possibly desire.

Yours truly,
Flying E. Chinaman





Oh...herro cat! Frank you fo joinine my facebook page! I hope you rike velly velly much!

Ok, I can cut the crap. I've been alive for thousands of years, and I've been in this country for a long time, and my accent isn't really that bad. It's mostly for show. And as you can see, I can write pretty well in English. I sent an email to your mom a few days ago, but I don't know if she got it. Will you please ask her to mail me to:

123 Fake St
Frazer, PA

With change in the air as a meaningless national mantra, I've decided that I, too, need a change. I don't want to live with old(er) people anymore. So please mail me to my new home.

All my love,
Flying Chinaman