I live in Frazer, Pennsylvania

I live in Frazer, Pennsylvania. Frazer is just past Paoli, Pennsylvania, last stop along the "Main Line", where the rich people who work in Philadelphia live. There is an area extending west from Philadelphia, about 200 square miles, where people like Will Smith, M. Knight Shamamalam, and the Eagles live. I live 210 square miles outside of Philadelphia, so I am only almost famous. I did meet some Eagles at a party once!

An Eagles' Party

I don't really live in Frazer, Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is broken into Townships, Boroughs, and Shires, like Middle Earth. I live in Tredyffrin Hamlet, but must write Frazer or Malvern on my mail, because there is no Tredyffrin post office. I don't know where I pay taxes. I just sent them c/o The Mayor of Tredyffrin.

The Mayor of Tredyffrin

The spirit of brotherly love flows along the Main Line like fluid through a vein. And the spirit of brotherly love is personified in the yielding of the right of way. Nothing makes a man more chivalrous in Southeast Pennsylvania than pulling to a four-way stop before someone, but then asking them to go on before you. It is also brotherly lovely to hold the door for your date, or for any other woman, or strange man, or anybody. And you don't just have to hold the door for those within the crease...no, you must hold the door for anyone visibly heading towards your door, or else you do not possess brotherly love.

Nearby is Valley Forge, a place so cold it brought George Washington to his knees. This was because Washington knew that future lawmakers would trample his most famous work, the Constitution. Washington had clearly outlined in the Bill of Rights that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of turning right on red, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;" Yet Pennsylvania draws 4.5% of its state education budget from those cited for turning right at a red light.

Did you know G.W. was a Mormon?

Valley Forge is famous because that's where Washington lost to the Redcoats. It was actually at the nearby Battle of the Brandywine where Washington lost. After Lord Wellington, commander of the British army at the time, defeated Washington in single combat, the British were allowed to pass on to Philadelphia, and Washington had to walk to Valley Forge with his trousers around his ankles while whistling "Roll Britania!" Some think Washington would have won had he chosen Ash Ketchum rather than the ill-fated Mewtwo as his Pokémon.

Me and my new neighbors

I live in an apartment complex with a lot of Indians. From India. They invited me to one of their religious celebrations one time. A woman wearing a full, furry, red costume danced and sang with the children. I know this was a religious celebration because many of the women had red dots on their foreheads.

DaShawn was tired of Ramashandran's nonsense

Change

I am very old, but even I must adapt to change. So I, too, got a gmail account and sent the following emails:



Dear Mrs. B.,

First of all, I want to thank you for the many happy years I have spent in your home, and I mean that with all my yellow heart. You have really made me feel like a part of your family, and since my own family died many thousands of years ago, it was important for me to feel loved. With that being said, however, I would like to request that you help me move. I feel like I am entering a new phase in my life. I am beginning a new dynasty, to coin an old Chinese phrase. I yearn for a little more excitement than can be provided in the home of empty nesters. I have procured lodging in Pennsylvania, and would kindly request that you mail me to my new residence at

123 Fake St
Frazer, PA

Please do not feel that I am leaving you. I just need change.

Kind regards,
Flying Chinaman





Dear Mr. W.,

This is a bittersweet time for me. Bitter because I am about to leave a place that I love. (Sure, I've been living in a basket in the bottom of a dark closet for two years, but hey, things could have been worse -- a lot worse.) And sweet because you have offered me a new life where I can enjoy babies, toys, videos, German pancakes, and the wonderful freezing rain of a Pennsylvania winter. I hope one day to even see Lawn Mower Park and feed those extremely scarey fish.

Please allow me a few days to pack my things and say my good byes. I have very little to bring with me -- just a change of underwear and my teddy bear. I humbly desire that you will provide absolutely everything else that I could possibly desire.

Yours truly,
Flying E. Chinaman





Oh...herro cat! Frank you fo joinine my facebook page! I hope you rike velly velly much!

Ok, I can cut the crap. I've been alive for thousands of years, and I've been in this country for a long time, and my accent isn't really that bad. It's mostly for show. And as you can see, I can write pretty well in English. I sent an email to your mom a few days ago, but I don't know if she got it. Will you please ask her to mail me to:

123 Fake St
Frazer, PA

With change in the air as a meaningless national mantra, I've decided that I, too, need a change. I don't want to live with old(er) people anymore. So please mail me to my new home.

All my love,
Flying Chinaman